Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
