Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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