I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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