Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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