So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
