If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
