Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
