If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
