You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
