Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
