I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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