I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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