i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
