Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
