I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
