he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
