It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
