I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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