Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
we're so committed to being not committed
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
