she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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