I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
