Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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