I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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