oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
