My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
