The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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