I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
