the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
