My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize