There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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