My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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