You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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