Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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