Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
