I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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