Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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