id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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