I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
