I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
