I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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