he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
