Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
