Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
