she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
