I'm really into asian looking animals
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
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