Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
