Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
