my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
