Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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