FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
