i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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