Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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