Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just cropdusted the office
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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