Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
