Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
