If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
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