i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
