i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
