i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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