I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
