I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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