I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize