I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
