My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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