So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
