I think my fart just growled at me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I currently don't understand fingers.
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