Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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